I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
