Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize