I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
