Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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