it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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