This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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