Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
