his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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