kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
