I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
