I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
