I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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