i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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