I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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