you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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