I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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