It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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