So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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