i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize