just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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