life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
