i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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