I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize