Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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