textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Randomize
