Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
