If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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