Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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