I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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