God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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