So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
