Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
