In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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