Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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