just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
