If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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