you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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