i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
