Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
