Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
