They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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