seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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