Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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