FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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