Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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