I accidentally burped into my bong.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
