So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
