We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
