god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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