could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
