Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
