Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
