oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
