Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
