i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
