I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
