I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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