i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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