WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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