Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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