I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
