i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
