A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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